Bob walks into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of…

I made myself a snowman,as perfect as could be, I thought I'd keep it for a pet,and let it sleep with me. I made it some pajamas,and a pillow for it's head. Then last night it ran away,but first it…

Why are Vampires Democrats? They wanted Gore in 2000. Why aren't there any famous skeletons? They're a bunch of no bodies. Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out…

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER…

I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no,…

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy!" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins…

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of…

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. 3) A Tire is Male, because…

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began…

When you are in deep trouble, say nothing. . . and try to look like you know what you're doing.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage…